Meri jaan

Like most of life's momentous episodes, this one too happened when I wasn't looking. Or least expected. Guess I was too young to realise that I was falling in love. And soon enough I noticed that she loved me back. It was a heady experience – a love affair that grew to be so passionate that there was no measure between love and hate.

She was beautiful, from the inside and out. Now when I look at old photographs, I realised how pretty she once was and how totally granted I took her for. I still remember the romantic walks by Marine Drive and the happy moments we spent at the Hanging Garden.

And then the inevitable happened. She began to ignore me and started meeting new people. We drifted apart. She got around with some wrong kind of crowd, and somewhere down the line, seemed to have lost herself. And although I still see a glimpse of her old self now and then, it’s clear to see that the old magic has gone.

I still miss her terribly, but she’s indifferent to me now. She has new friends now and new lovers. It’s hard to say whether it was me who was disloyal or her. But it’s not the same anymore – she’s even changed her name now. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. Bombay…you seem to have lost your soul.  

Have you lost anything yet?

Elizabeth Bishop has gone on record to say that the ‘art of losing isn’t hard to master’. She says we get used to losing things so that after a time any loss ceases to matter.

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster…

Something to it. And even if there isn’t, I think it might be worth a try. After all, isn’t it every other day we lose something or the other – a favourite pen, headphones, our mind, a friend, our soul.

I hear that the poetry of loss is a genre unto itself and there are many poets who've mourned the loss of something or another. What appeals to me is the theme's immediate poignancy - it's implications of tragedy. 

Bishop’s ‘One Art’ goes from losing a small thing like the door keys to bigger things like a continent (which I think is used as a metaphor, for what I don't know) and a friend. And the irony is that what she’s really trying to say in the end (according to experts who parse poems and things like that) is that we almost NEVER get used to losing things. We merely forget perhaps. This is evident in the last verse of her poem (where she’s grieving the loss of a loved one) – where she goes from “isn’t hard” to “not too hard”.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Still, I find it a good idea to take this perspective. After all, what have we got to lose? 

Oh, seedy!

Lately, I’ve been having this serious desire to wear disposable rubber gloves at home and outside. But I know I’d be doing that at the risk of appearing even more loony.  

I’ve known for some time now that I have a slight case of OCD. On good days, I have it completely under control. But there are days when I struggle. Which is why I find solace in watching ‘Monica’ do her thing in ‘Friends’.  

It started with wanting to keep all my school books neatly on my table, one on top of the other, at right angles. One thing led to another and I soon found myself de-cluttering all the time. My latest obsession is wearing gloves at all times so my hands remain clean – while opening the bathroom door, holding the train handles, touching the pantry table while eating lunch in office.

But I think of myself as among the saner ones. I know people who cannot get on with their lives if all the rupee notes in their wallet have not been arranged a certain way, who need to check at least three times if their car is locked before walking away, who must clean every inch of their house before they can step out. The list is endless, really.

Living with OCD is tough. But whats worse is when people around you don’t pretend to understand it. Fortunately, I’m comfortably in the green because it hasn’t started to affect my daily life. In fact, I often use it to my advantage, like when I have to go to the ‘burbs when its been raining (“it’s too dirty to travel”) or when mother asks me to cook (“I can’t work in a dirty kitchen”).

So it’s all good. At least till the time I don’t start getting my eyebrows done at right angles.      

‘I (might not) do’

A funny thing about being married – stay that way long enough and more often than not, you’de end up wishing you were single again.

This is borrowed wisdom, of course. I’ve spoken to so many married couples – some childhood sweethearts even – and sooner or later they always ‘fess up (almost never in front of their spouse though) that if they could turn back time, “and I love my kids very, very much,” they would never have gotten married.

Well, that’s mighty convenient. But the question I’m trying to raise here is: how wise a decision is it to get married in these times?

There cannot be one right answer to this. Because, let’s face it, singles have way more sex while married couples get to share the wealth with the added bonus of finding this one person whom they can annoy till the end of time.

And imagine the level of commitment you require to get married. Husbands have to relinquish their right to say ‘no’ when their wives ask for the car keys. And wives, well, they must cook!

One argument I’ve always heard for being hitched is that you earn the respect of the rest of your family. Plus, you get sex on-demand. But like someone said many years ago, is it wise to buy the entire aircraft for the free peanuts?

In the end, the debit side balances out the credit side. Still, there's got to be an element of truth in all those marriage jokes floating around in cyberspace. My favourite one is: You know what I did before I got married? Anything I wanted to! That’s what I’m talking about…

Are you a sellout yet?

I feel hugely honoured at having residence in the same lane (actually just two buildings away) that Gandhiji chose to live for almost 17 years of his life. His bungalow is now converted into a museum called Mani Bhavan, which is a big tourist attraction.

So you’de think that giving directions to my house would be easy, right? Wrong. The give and take usually goes something like this:

Person: So, where do you stay?

Me: In Gamdevi, very close to Mani Bhavan.

Person: Money-what?

Me: The Gandhi museum?

Person: Ummm…

Me: You know the West Side on Hughes Road?

Person: Ah! Say that way na…

See what I mean? Our landmarks have changed, our reference points have taken a tumble. And it makes me wonder whether we’re giving more importance to something that’s more or less irrelevant. These days, we give directions via malls, shops and restaurants.

And if someone hasn’t noticed it yet, we’re also getting increasingly afflicted by this infectious disease called mall madness. Yep, India’s economy is booming. And this same mall madness is partly responsible. But im not sure if its worth it anymore.

Oh, and another thing. What’s synonymous with Mumbai monsoons? Apart from potholes and floods, that is. Yep – SALE! It has the power to alleviate our spirits and excite us. It’s now a conversation-starter; to hell with the weather.

Not the one to stay behind, I outdid myself this season by spending as much money on indulgences as I normally do in 6 months! And I’m completely disgusted with myself. Whatever happened to ‘less is more’? And im not talking about the pink halter top I just bought.

My new motto in life: buy only when there’s a sale. Every time.

The day I lost my wisdom

Having to go to a dentist is like one of those things you think happens only to other people. So when the time came for me to make that visit, I couldn’t believe it was happening to me.

My third molar, and the only one that had managed to ‘erupt’, was developing a cavity by virtue of it being in the far left corner of my mouth. When the doctor’s assistant checked it, she declared, “You have a silver filling.” 

“But I’ve never been to a dentist before,” I said, immediately doubting myself. “Or have I?”

Just as I was hoping that it was a silver filling after all, a little prodding and better lighting revealed that it was indeed a huge cavity. “You’ll have to get it extracted,” was the verdict.

So I braced myself and made my way to the dentist some 2 weeks later. An hour and 2.5 (instead of just one) jaw-numbing injections later, I was minus 4K and a wisdom tooth. The strong little fellow was sitting bleeding in a glass bowl on the doctor’s table, and as far as wisdom teeth go, he was big and “bulbous.”

And if I wasn’t the one reclining on the dentist’s chair, I would have sniggered at the regular, “Open your mouth. Wider. WIDER!” And not to forget, “Try not to swallow.”

Hey… don’t blame me for cracking up at this. I just got my wisdom tooth removed.

Californication is red hot with chilli and pepper!

It is. Having watched more than a few episodes of the show's first season (courtesy a friend), I can safely say that airing Californication in India would suck the life and soul out of it. The entire foundation on which its storyline stands is sex (duh!). The lead actor (played by David Duchovny) is a troubled writer grappling with writer's block, and sex and alcohol addictions. Of course, he seems to be enjoying every second of it.

Duchovny's own personal problems, that co-incidentally started with this show, mirror that of the character's - his entering rehab for sex addiction, his estrangement with wife Tea Leoni. And this is probably what made the show so (in)famous. Interestingly, Duchovny had appeared in a sex-crime-thriller movie by a similar-sounding name - Kalifornia - in 1993 that had Brad Pitt, who was then an upcoming star!        

Now in its fourth season in the US, Californication has the works: foul language, semi-frontal and back nudity, explicit references to acts of sex, and 'erring' secretaries. So what do you think will happen when Zee Cafe airs it in India? Even though its showing at 11pm, be ready to hear a lot of bleeps and experience plenty of scene jumps. Hell, even the trailer is full of blinking bleeps!

The acting itself is mediocre - his on-screen (estranged) wife played by Natascha McElhone looks as if she's perennially amused by his antics even when we expect her to be completely intolerant to them. His adolescent daughter looks like she's on her way to becoming a Goth with bad acting skills. And Duchovny himself looks least interested - except in the scenes when he gets to have sex with beautiful women!

So it's difficult to say how the show will stand on its own without the best parts. Well, we'll just have to wait till July 25 to see what happens. It's a good thing Indians have a good imagination.